


Pics Or It's Got Tentacles

by ninhursag



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-25
Updated: 2010-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 17:04:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninhursag/pseuds/ninhursag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They find a trove of early post first contact Terran archives. Of course Jim finds the torrid porn, first thing. Someday, someone really is going to strangle him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pics Or It's Got Tentacles

**Author's Note:**

> Blame it on me posting snippets of early K/S to [](http://azephirin.livejournal.com/profile)[**azephirin**](http://azephirin.livejournal.com/) on AIM and my cracked sense of humor. And her encouragement/egging on, ahaha.

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [star trek](http://vaingirlfic.livejournal.com/tag/star+trek)  
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The archive was a treasure trove of Terran cultural expression in the immediate aftermath of first contact. It recorded communications across the computer networks of that time, endless databytes that a dedicated individual could use to rethink the role of the meeting between Humans and Vulcans and how Terra changed in the aftermath.

Jim Kirk took approximately five point six three minutes to locate written and visual sexually explicit material. Perhaps less time than that-- but it was only then that he looked up from his PADD, teeth gnawing into his lower lip and quizzical expression pasted onto his face.

"Hey, Spock," he said, with a lack of formal decorum he would never cease to believe was charming. "Have you been holding out on me about the tentacles or what?"

Spock could only raise an eyebrow at him to express some mix of confusion and resignation. "Captain?" he said, hoping that the chill in his tone would translate.

Instead, Jim bent his head back down over the PADD and smiled exactly two point seven three centimeters too widely to express genuine bemusement. "I'm just saying, maybe the writer of Torrid Vulcan Fever Dreams knows something I don't. Because whoever she is, Jane Firesong seems pretty convinced that there are stalks of jade green tentacles."

"Jane. Firesong," Spock repeated in a tone approximating calm inquiry. "I am not aware of any xenobiologists by such a name during the era in question."

Jim looked up, expression strangely placid and tight all at once, as though he were trying to suppress an unknown emotion with some limited success. "Oh, no," he said. "She was a romance writer. She also wrote Hot Vulcan Nights, the Vulcan Who Ravished My Dreams and... this one was the most popular... Before Surak! Tales From the Vulcan Harems."

Jim frowned down at the text in front of him. "Did you know that the Vulcans had harems full of beautiful boys with bottoms like ripe plums and girls with creamy bosoms in their harems before Surak? And that they writhed in the torturous embrace of the jade green stalks of gentle fronds penetrating their orifices and bringing them to bursts of delirious pleasure?"

Spock managed not to cough. It required a certain level of physical mastery that he was satisfied with. "Indeed not. I can verify from the histories of my people that no such... harems existed, and even the notion seems less than probable as a hypothesis. I am surprised it was entertained by humans."

"Oh, I think this human is very entertained," Jim muttered, barely in range of Spock's superior hearing. "Anyway, you can't know for sure there weren't harems! It could be, like, a secret history! Lost until Jane Firesong rescued it from the mists of time!"

Spock did not cover his face with his hands, because such an emotionally laden gesture was beyond the scope of this... shocking irrelevant conversation. "In fact the probability of such a thing is asymptotically small to the point of nullity."

Jim frowned at him. "So, you admit that there's a mathematical chance it could have happened that way right? You're totally admitting this?"

Spock stood up, very stiffly and very quickly and strode out of the room without a backward glance. From behind him he heard a cry of, "Hey, you can prove the thing about the jade tentacle stalk isn't true by showing me yours!"

He did not quicken his pace as that would be unseemly, especially in the face of the mindless cackling echoing behind the closing bulkhead door.

Still, he did not feel that it was at all inappropriate to allow himself a small, satisfied smile when he entered the otherwise empty observation deck some time later to see the Captain moving very quickly in the other direction with Lieutenant Uhura shouting after him, "If you ask me about my boyfriend's penis one more time they will never find all the pieces of yours, Kirk! Never!"

Even if Jim did pause when he saw Spock, just long enough to grin over his shoulder, somehow managing to catch both their eyes, a twisted and possibly masochistic gleam in his own. "Well, if you showed me, I could quit asking! I mean, you know, pics or it's got tentacles! What'd you say?"

Then he ran for it. Spock met Uhura's raised eyebrows with one of his own. "Gags," she mouthed in Vulcan. "Only if there are gags." Spock nodded consideringly and then gave chase.

*and then they catch him and spank him. Hard. He likes it. THE END*


End file.
